Tuesday, July 10, 2012

On the Verge

I find myself wondering what it's like to have kids. I was brushing my teeth last night, thinking about helping a child brush theirs and if I ever have a moment's peace to brush my teeth in silence when we have a child. LOL.
There was a pregnancy test commercial on TV during Pawn Stars last night. Joe had a noise. I know starting a family makes him nervous. The woman on the commercial made a loud happy noise. And Joe said, you're going to have to be easy on me when we do get pregnant. Well, this is something we will plan. I dont do surprises! So he'll know we're trying. But I asked him, when and how do you want to know? Do you want me to tell you I suspect it? Do you want me to tell you I'm taking a test? Or do you want me to tell you after I already know? He thought about it a minute. He smiled and told me to tell him on a Friday so he could have a drink & celebrate. LOL. I have no doubt that Joe will be a wreck. It's hard to think about starting a family now, with the HUGE transition heading our way. But I will one day soon move home. Get a great job. Joe will be in school. And one day, we will just know it's time to start a family. So then all these fears in my arrise.. what if I cant have kids? What if something is wrong with me? Joe laughs at me. VERY few people in my family have ever had any problems getting pregnant. Actually, only two women that I can think of. And they arent in my direct line of descendents. In fact, my grandmother discovered she only had one overy, after giving birth to FOUR children. LOL. But I worry. Being onling has made it very apparent that a lot of women have problems getting pregnant and staying pregnant. I have been on birth control for over a decade, and I dont know how that will effect me. We'll be in our early 30s before I have kids, and I dont know how that will effect me either. But I guess there's nothing I can do yet. I've never had an abnormal anything when it comes to my lady bits. So we'll just have to wait and see. Joe says that we will get pregnant the first month we try, LOL, as he rolls his eyes.

It's strange to think about being a mother. I'm just now really starting to find myself. I've accompleshed a few of my goals. I'm just now starting to "feel" like an adult. I joke with people that I got Rigel at 23, when everyone else was having kids, and there was NO WAY I was ready for a baby, I was barely ready for a yorkie! But now, I think we are finally getting there. I think I am almost prepared to be a great mom. It's a strange word. We wont be Sara & Joe. We will be mom & dad. Strange.

It's really strange to be an adult, on the verge of starting a family. We'll tell our kids about living in Colorado and how "dad" was in the Army once ... before you were born. How we traveled the world. And went to school. And how we met. And how we decided to have ... you. My parents' stories were always just stories, things that magically happened before I existed. But being a person before a parent, it's strange to think about my parents' stories not being stories, but actually their lives. All the moments that had to happen in just the right way for me to be... me.



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