timing is everything

Joe asked me a question the other day.

Where do you think you would be if we hadn't gotten married?

We talked about it for a while. But it got me thinking about all of the events in a person's life that lead them to a certain moment. I laid in bed that night and thought about all of the things that had to happen perfectly for me and Joe to get together, the many times Joe and I did date, and then the last time, where Joe and I just knew we belonged together. Do I believe in fate and destiny? I don't know. I don't not believe in them. But I think that life can give you opportunities, but it's our job to capture that moment. I'm not a very religious person, many of you know that already. But it feels like there have been some times in my life where I have been pushed, or at least very slightly directed, to a certain result.

Big picture:
My family had to move to Paris, Arkansas, as did Joe.
I had to be born at a very specific time.
My parents had to get together.
Their parents had to get together.
My grandfather had to join the army and be in Germany to meet my grandmother.

It snowballs from there.

But on a more personal level, I had to be the person I was to wait for Joe. To know he needed time and space to become the person he is now. One relationship had to end, for ours to begin. I was in a philosophy class with a guy that reminded me so much of Joe. He made me miss Joe. I had to get a MySpace account (yeah, I found Joe that last time on MySpace) which I wouldn't have done unless my brother had joined a band and they had started blogging about their tour on MySpace. I remember driving home one afternoon determined to find Joe online, or at least call his mother. I just had to find him. There was this very loud determined voice in my head screaming at me. And come to find out, he had found me on MySpace only days after I had made my account. We were searching for each other. Coincidence? Fate? Destiny? Love? I don't know what to call it. I just know that the web that captures just our relationship was so tight. If anything had happened differently, I wouldn't be married to him today. It's an interesting thought. Are we soul mates? Looking back, I've never been the girl to regret anything. I don't jump with both feet first very often; I'm very cautious about the decisions I have made in my life. But I know Joe and I were supposed to be together. I think about how many times the universe pushed us together. How many opportunities we were given to get it right. How many people come and go in a lifetime, but Joe was always a constant in my life.

There is a quote in the movie The Notebook when the main character is proposed to: "She agreed with all her heart but couldn't understand why, at the moment she said yes, Noah's face came to mind." This quote has always given me chills. I have a sneaky suspicion I would have had a similar thought if I had fallen in love with a different man. Even while I was dating someone else, and I had completely lost touch with Joe, I would think about him all the time.

On January 20th, 2007, Joe was walking towards my apartment building. Rigel was just a puppy. I was leaning over my couch staring out the window, watching him walk down the sidewalk and up the stairs. I turned to Rigel and told him that I wanted to marry Joe so badly. Not 10 minutes later we were engaged. He proposed to me on my birthday. With the perfect ring. In the perfect words. And in that moment, I wasn't thinking about anyone other than him and our future.

In a very odd set of conversations as a teen, my mother and I decided that this life (if we just happened to had many lives as humans) was to inspect, perfect, become very well versed- in patience and tolerance. As I was looking back at the moments that brought me to the place and person I am today, this long forgotten thought popped back into my head. And it made me laugh. Army wife. ARMY. wife. Going through a deployment. My current existence is the epitome of patience and tolerance. How did my mother know, all those years ago, I would be a constant student of patience and tolerance as an adult? Is it possible that you are given tasks in life that prepare you for the future? The other guys I have dated. The path I took in college. The way I was raised. It's all led me to where I am today. And I wouldnt have it any other way!

Fuck Hawaii

This is just a small excerpt of the post entitled Sanctity of Marriage, I urge you to go read the whole thing. I'm reposting it in response to the shameful veto that happened in Hawaii today. SHAMEFUL!! We can once again be embarrassed and ashamed of America, once again denying equality to all of it's citizens.

Remember reading in your history books a time where a whole bunch of stuffy white men had to decide whether or not black men were humans and could have EQUAL rights? Whether or not they could vote and own property? Same with females. Do you remember reading about these brave women fighting for YOUR right to vote and have EQUAL rights to men?

Now you have to tell me how homosexuals fighting for EQUAL rights is any different than that. And you can keep your religious nonsense to yourself. I don't care to hear it. None of it is a good excuse to deny rights to any human being. Your religious shit is just an excuse for you to be a bigot and then hide behind some stupid book.

Now I would like to post a quote from the Governor Bigot of Hawaii:

"It would be a mistake to allow a decision of this magnitude be made by one individual or a small group of elected officials," Lingle said.

Seems fairly hypocritical to me since ONE woman vetoed the bill.

And since when do we allow the majority to vote about the minority? Isn't that what our government was set up for, to protect the minority, to allow everyone to have a voice? Again, like the post says, what do you think the majority voted about when it came to segregation and suffrage? There wouldn't have been the struggle if there hadn't been so many people standing in the way. I cant imagine living in a world where I couldn't vote or own property or marry whomever I loved. Voting for equality is an archaic practice. I cant believe this is even an issue in 2010. Grow the fuck up, America!! Heard today: *There's a reason why God created Adam and Eve - not Adam and Steve.* Very mature, don't you think?? Don't you think we should be allowing these amazingly bright rhyming bigots to vote about the happiness of others?? Would you want them voting on something that meant the world to you??

Goals for 2010

I personally never make resolutions for New Years. I never stick to them. But this year will be new and different so I'm going to set some long term goals to better my life and marriage.

Goal #1: Get healthy. Its not a weight loss plan. Its not a diet. Its a live-it! We plan on trying to get pregnant in about a year so I need to be fit and healthy for the baby and myself through a pregnancy.

Goal #2: Use Rigel to the best of his ability. He's an amazing dog and has done wonders for my lazy reclusive personality. He makes me get out, even if its just out the door. We've already met two neighbors and their dogs. Rigel was in training in Arkansas and his trainer thought he would be an amazing therapy dog (in spite the fact that she wasn't even a fan of yorkies- but she loved Rigel all the same!). I will get him back in training and will follow through with CGC certification and therapy dog certification (if I can afford the $$$ it takes). He will be amazing to work with when I become a psychologist.

Goal #3: Become independent again. It sounds weird, but I've become increasingly more dependent on my husband and his way of life. I guess its a good thing to a point. But if he's deploying soon, I need to get back to my independent roots. When I was in college, even at 17 years old, I wasn't afraid to do anything by myself. I think my Psychology background will help me out in this area. We were forced to be alone in situations: go to dinner alone, go see a movie alone, go walk in the park alone (or with Rigel), etc. I lived alone in an apartment all by myself for 3 years and wasn't afraid of the dark or creaks. I wasn't afraid to be places alone or meet new people. I need to find that brave girl again. Don't get me wrong, I love being part of a marriage and a partnership, but in this very unique situation my husband has put me in, I need to retain my brave independence. Joe has told me he married me because he knew I could handle this Army wife life. I know I can do it. I just need to find that fearless attitude I had in college. Its in me. I know it is.

Goal #4: Read more. I know it sounds simple. But I used to read all the time. I've let my brain atrophy. I've begun reading again and it's actually hard. It the world of TV and internet, I've become impatient. So I'm going to slow my world down and curl up with a good book and read. You'd be surprised how much it will do for you. I need to read for my brain, but also for my GRE. This will help me read for information but also read for vocabulary.

So here's to 2010!

Anything worth doing...

Anything worth doing, is worth doing differently. - John Minden


The above is a quote from my father. He and my mother have been married for 28 years. And he always makes light of the craziness in a marriage, the banter back and forth, the sense of humor that the two parties must have to live together for almost 3 decades or more. My parents have been married longer then they haven't been married. It's a very good feeling. I hope to make it in my marriage. But when things get tight, I remember what my father says about his marriage and my mother.

While sitting on the couch next to my husband on our Christmas with my family, my father says to my mother: Anything worth doing, is worth doing differently. He says it in a light-hearted manner. But I take it to heart. Anything worth doing... is worth doing the way that is easier and better for everyone involved.

I love you, Daddy!